So I know that I am sometimes known for my 'chipper nature' and upbeat outlook towards life. But if I am honest - I am REALLY having a shitty time this last week or so.
To say that this has been a year from hell would be an understatement - and I will not be looking back on the last TWO years very happily at all. Sure there have been the times that I have laughed so hard my stomach has hurt; and the VALUABLE family times that I have shared with my loved ones - but then there has been a side of me, few have seen. A side, filled with black moods, one of which I find myself in today And if I am honest, it is this side of me that I am deeply ashamed of.
I have tried to remain, for the large part, upbeat and happy. I have tried to hide emotion behind humor. Sometimes I have succeeded - but today... Well lets just say that today, it has collided on the highway of life SPECTACULARLY! And the aftermath - it ain't pretty.
But I vowed when I started this blog; that no matter how hard, no matter how un-pretty; I would write about ALL aspects of this tumor and that I would write about HOW I was feeling with honesty.
So here I am. Stark Bollock Naked!
I guess when I was told that the Bilateral Nerve Blocks that I was going to be having on the 30th of November, were expected to alleviate a large chunk of the incessant driving pain that I feel EVERY second of EVERY minute of EVERY hour of... (you get the message) ... I never expected to find myself in such a blind rage just 36 VERY short hours after they had performed the procedure!
The reason for my unbridled anger and 'rage'? I have experienced NO change to the levels of pain thus far. The only relief I had was a brief flash in the pan. I don't have many answers at all. All I know is I am angry. I am angry at the doctors; I am angry at life; I am angry at me.
Not only am I angry - I am broken. I am broken and crying. You can pick yourself up, when you know that there is something you can hope for. But when you reach your 'hour of hope' - and there are no answers what do you do then?
Let's just say, my black mood reached critical mass today. I was sat in Shaugie's Christmas Play at 14h00 this afternoon in some of the worst pain I think I have ever experienced. Just 20 mins before curtain up; I was locked in the bathroom hurling my guts out from the combined effect of the chemo and the pain. But I SO did not want to disappoint that little boy and let him down.
And so - I dragged my sorry ass out into the hall - found a seat one row from the front; and waited. Thinking I was going to pass out at any point - not knowing how I was going to get through the next minute - let alone the next hour.
The hall door opened. In marched the kids. I locked eyes with Shaugs and I KNEW IMMEDIATELY from the concern on his face - that HE knew I was not well. And that was where I failed him.
You just have to look at that little face and etched all over it is the wisdom of a very old little boy. It was at the moment, our eyes locked together and did not split for a second of the 45 mins or so that the play lasted, that I felt I had failed my son.
To say my heart was in pieces is an understatement. He mouthed the words: "I Love You." and "Are you okay?" and it was all I could do to just nod and smile. It was in that moment I felt I had betrayed him - taken his 'moment in the light' away. Here he was singing his little heart out for me - SO PROUD of what he and his class had achieved - and ALL he could concentrate on, was me - and FECKING 'BILL' - screwing it all up for him!
I managed to contain my emotions until I put him to bed tonight - but my Sweet Lord - I just KNOW I will not sleep tonight. How can I keep putting my family through this.
How long can this go on for?
Ry
-x-
9 comments:
Oh Ryan I am so sorry. I have no words to make you feel better and will not even try humour at this point! Just know that your boy LOVES you unconditionally, and do not mistake his concern for you for any kind of judgement or dismay. Put yourself in his shoes for one second and you will know he sees no failure. He feels pity, maybe, and helplessness, but that is okay too - that is how HE feels! I pray that God will have His mighty healing hands over you tonight as you sleep, and that you will wake up feeling brand new in the morning. Amen! xxx
Oh Ryan, your honesty and rawness is palpable. You dont have to be funny and upbeat - you have to be real and in touch with what is going on all the time. And you are.
I dont believe you let Shaugs down; maybe you do but your son saw you there - FOR HIM - despite BILL. Despite the pain, you came and that is what will matter.
What now? They did this procedure and yet the pain is incessant; what do *they* say?
I am going to share your blog on mine soon - i have an amazing bunch of readers - some of them the most amazing intercessors and encouragers I have ever met.
We cant be there for you in the flesh but we certainly can band together in the spirit.
Words seems bloody trite now but I am thinking of you.
xx
Hey Mel
Thank you for your very kind words. I think I was just so blindly hopeful of finally being 'pain free' that I did not consider what I would do if the nerve blocks failed!
The Neurosurgeon has been told me that sometimes the nerve blocks do take a few days to start working - and that it gets better before it gets worse - EISH!
Just wish 'my worst', was better than 'my best' and that the nerve blocks would kick in already!!
Sleep deprivation and pain do not good bedfellows make!
I would also like to just say thank you in advance, for mentioning me on your blog - I will take ANY and ALL prayers at this stage!
I am over from Mel's blog...and somehow in the flesh words fail me.
You must know that you did not fail your son.
You do not always have to be strong.
Your son loves you.
Mel is right words just seem so flip right now.
I will pray for you and trust the Lord to step into your situation.
Hi Lynette
Welcome and thank you for your words of encouragement and your offer of prayer. There is no distance in prayer or the cyber world, so I really do appreciate it!
Take care
Ryan
Its been a few days so I am hoping your neuro was rightand that a measure of relief is happening. I can totally understand how you never considered the block to *not* work.
Here in SA its a BLISTERER of a day - kids are in the pool and I am considering my options....to swim or not to swim...bearing in mind the water is like 17deg. brrrr.
AND also the minute I get in the pool my kids go ape-sh*t and I become the human jungle-gym....
Hi Ryan
Just back from my hols... wow - whay an emotional post. So sorry you have to go through this. And please don't think you let shaugie down! You were there for him, have always been there for him and always will... so how can you be letting him down?
As a medical professional... I have to say that we are only human! I know how hard it sucks when the medicine fails... believe me, it failed my Dad when I was a student and it almost made me quit!!
BUT - there is research and progress happening all the time.. I only hope it happens fast enough for you to get relief very soon! ;-)
Failing that, a complete frontal lobotomy ought to do the trick ;-0!
(You know me... gotta add the humour)
But please know that you are in my prayers and thoughts ...always x
I'm sure he was very very pleased that you were there that night.
Hi Ryan, I am visiting for the first time from Mel's blog and let me tell you I have read EVERY word of EVERY entry of your blog....you are an AMAZING man and an AMAZING father, your words and strength have touched me beyond belief and I just wanted you to know that.
I will definitely be back but until then will hold you in my thoughts and prayers - I don't know you at all but I do know that it is okay for ALL of us to have down days and they do pass and you will find your "mojo" again, just hold on till you do and let your family and friends love you through it.
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