Ryan's Guide to Lady Things #2... 'Special Grumpy Lady Time'

Here is some more of my wisdom about those bizarre things about women that us blokes don't know, are never told and yet are expected to have explicit knowledge of when tested.

This time...

'Special Grumpy Lady Time'

SGLT is some sort of made-up disease that girls catch on a monthly basis, and despite this similarity to man-flu, the similarities end there.

The disease itself seems to occur on a regular basis, usually following about a week of pleasant, civilised behaviour. The various behaviour patterns usually follow this pattern.
Week 1. Pleasant, civilised behaviour. The lady will possibly do the washing up, be naughty in bed, and let you watch an episode of Thundercats without complaining.
Week 2. Grumpy bitch
Week 3. Grumpy, uncomfortable bitch
Week 4. Grumpy, fragile bitch.
This 'cycle' then repeats.

During week 3, so the adverts tell me, some kind of blue liquid is emitted, and this must be absorbed in a number of ways.
1. A little sponge on a string. From what i gather these appear to be bullet shaped, and come with some sort of insertion device, called an 'applicator'. This may or may not be spring-loaded.
2. Things with wings. These are sponges that sellotape onto a girl's pants. They do not allow girls to be able to fly. This is more due to poor piloting skills, and lack of knowledge of aerodynamics and such.
Modern advancements in Things with Wings include the ability to play pinball with your ladybits, something to do with pearls and 1GB mp3 player.

There are several cures for this disease
1. Avoid ladies during weeks 2-4. This is usually impossible, as ladies deliberately catch SGLT at different times, so men can never be happy.
2. Old age. After about 50 years, the lady's body decides we've suffered enough, and gives us men a 'pause' from grumpyness. By this time though we've usually had enough and retired to our shed.
3. Pregnancy. This is actually only a cure for blue liquid, with the drawback of completely removing week 1 from the cycle. Also, babies are a result of this.

Anyway, there's the sum total of all my SGLT knowledge. Enjoy.

Ryan's Guide To Lady Things... Make Up

Hello there, just thought i'd say hi and share my wisdom and research with you.
Today i has been researching the lady-thing known as make up.

HISTORY
Make-up was invented (or 'made up' chortle) by probably a frenchman, in an effort to make some ugly girl look humpable, in about the year 1532ish. For the sake of argument, let's call him French Bob.
Using various ingredients gathered from his 16th century inventor's desk (tipp-ex, red wine, weetabix) he no doubt made a concoction so wonderful that life without painted-up lady-faces would never be heard of again.

TYPES OF MAKE-UP
1. Eye make-up
2. Face make-up
That is all the types of make-up, but for the sake of you men who sit wobbling in the corner every time you stray away from the novelty gift section of Boots, i shall go into greater detail...

1. EYE MAKE-UP
There are three sub-categories of eye make-up...
a. Mascara
This is some kind of eyelash paint, held on some kind of inverted brush pen thing. This allows girls to have longer eyelashes, useful for fighting wasps.
There are two fun things about mascara, firstly that if (and possibly when) you make a girl cry, it draws on magical manga cry-lines down their face. Secondly, if they forget to clean it off before bed, it can lead to a girl's eyelashes sticking together, thus giving them a unique jail-like experience.
b. Eye-liner
Eye-liner is like a pencil to make girl's eyes look similar to a cartoon character, or perhaps a panda. The pencil itself is useless as an actual writing implement, going all squishy at the first sign of pressure, causing arguments, even though it's her fault that she tidied up all the pens and left her eye-liner on the top of the fridge.
There is a male equivalent of eye-liner, hilariously called 'guy-liner'. This is only used by 'emo' boys (emo meaning 'pale fan of vampire-themed television') or droogs from a clockwork orange.
c. Eye-Shadow
This is a mysterious powder (more on them below) that girls apply to their upper eyelids. Because blue eyelids are a sign of healthiness.

2. FACE MAKE-UP
There's no real need to sub-categorise face make-up, as it only really consists of powders that stick to a lady's face, covering up their lumpy face skin, and in the case of blusher, making them look out of breath, like they've been on a run or something. Apparently there is some sort of difference between concealer and foundation but I think this is just some sort of marketing scam to make ladies fork out £40 a go for the smallest bottle of brownish liquid in the world.

3. MOUTH MAKE-UP
Lip-liner, Lip-gloss, Lip-stick. These three substances exist to do one thing, and one thing only - to stain men. Apparently by making their lips look more red and pronounced, this makes girls appear more eager to have sex. I find taking your top off works just as well. And is also a lot cheaper...

Anyway, that is my useful guide to all things womanly and make-uppish. I hope you have found it more useful than anything else ever. Which quite clearly it is.

25 FIRSTS

QUICK UPDATE

'BILL' the brain tumor is not doing too well of late (MARVELOUS news). I am now on 'Proton Therapy' to knock the wee sucker dead (BLOODY MARVELOUS NEWS) and I am still hanging in there (FANTASTIC NEWS)

Will keep you posted on further 'Bill' updates - but in the meanwhile... Seeing as I have been so HORRIFIC at keeping my blog up to date, Kirsty Weaver wrote one of these a few days ago and so I felt the urge to do one too...

TWENTY FIVE FIRSTS

1. Who was your first prom date?

My Matric dance date, her name was Michelle, I was 17, she was 18! (Oooooo an OLDER woman)

I arrived to fetch her at her mum’s house all excited by the DIVINE creation of a dress, I had been hearing about for WEEKS. Her mum even had a MATCHING BOW TIE made!!

The front door opened and she walked down the passage wearing a red crimpelene sack… I was MORTIFIED!

I spent the night dragging her outta the toilets, where she had been bust smoking and swigging from a bottle of J.C LeRoux. At the after party (the aptly named THUNDERDOME), she drank my wallet dry and then hurled all over the dance floor…CHARMING

2. Do you still talk to your first love?

IT WAS NOT MICHELLE! But No. But I can happily report, that I think my ex is still with the same guy who I caught her in bed with!

3. What was your first alcoholic drink?

I was a bit of a ‘Late Starter’… But I made up for time when I raided my father’s home bar – and drank it dry – LITERALLY… I think I had alcohol poisoning – but that cannot be verified, as there is still some debate as to how much Vodka; Gin; Whisky and Brandy there was in the bottles before I finished them.

4. What was your first job?

I worked in at Etkinds, Sandton City. It was THE photographic shop to work for at the time, and I earned a small fortune back in 1987, when I earned the princely sum of R80 a day! I also got the chance to win a R20 bonus for selling the most…

5. What was your first car?

A canary yellow 1979 Mazda 323… CBG 516 T Hooboy did I know how to style or WHAT!

6. Who was the first person to text you today?

Bean (My wife Robyn).

7. Who was the first person you thought of this morning?

Bean.

8. Who was your first grade teacher?

Mrs Hall Green, a consummate BEYATCH of note! When I had a migraine and got nauseous, she made me sit in class even after I had hurled all over the desk – until I had cleaned the mess up!

9. Where did you go on your first flight in a plane?

To Victoria Falls on an 'Air Rhodesia' Viscount..

10. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk?

Ages 4-8. Warren Hickey – and nah – he left to go and live in Canada – and I never heard from him again. Then Peter Challis - still chat to him occasionally.

11. Where was your first sleepover?

My house - Warren Hickey and he peed in the bed and cried, so my mum had to call his mum, to come and collect him.

12. Who was the first person you talked to today?

Bean! She was in the English Seaside Town anomaly known as – BLACKPOOL - on a company conference and I wanted to make sure she behaved herself LOL.

13. Whose wedding were you in for the first time?

My Aunty Shirley’s Wedding – I was a pageboy who wore a kilt. OI! Stop snickering… I wore a kilt, when I got married too!

14. What was the first thing you did this morning?

Threw my wee munchkin, Shaugie, outta bed so that he was in time for school.

15. What was the first concert you went to?

1985 Concert in the Park – Ellis Park. Rock On!! Woo hooooooo.

16. First tattoo?

Celtic 'eye' design on my right bicep! 30^th Birthday Present from Bean.

17. First piercing?

1989… My ear – I was ‘rebelling’ (don’t have that anymore).

18. First foreign country you went to?

United Kingdom.

19. First movie you remember seeing?

'eLollipop' Was a heartbreaking South African Story, about the friendship between a farmer’s son and his best mate – the farmhand’s little boy… Still scarred to this day…

20. What state did you first live in?

Technically in Rhodesia - but later in the Transvaal.

21. Who was your first room mate?

I never had a room mate/housemate until I moved out of home and in with my best friend Hans Rooseboom.

22. When was your first detention?

1985. Std 6 – Simone Ormrod and I were bust writing a VERY colourfully worded letter about a certain BEYATCH of teacher (Miss Johnson). I got six of the best from the headmaster - and then landed up with ANOTHER detention with the BEYATCH herself. Hoo-boy! Was it worth it - HELL YEAH! (and I meant every word in the letter too!)

23. If you had one wish what would it be?

To be done with the 'Bill' the brain tumor so that I can stop living in limbo. And to get Bean 'up the duff' before this year is out... tee hee.

24. What is one thing you would learn, given the chance?

How to make MORE money easily!

25. Who will be the next person to post this?

Ummm nobody - cos NOBODY EVER responds to my Blog anyway!!!

Baptisim...

Okay - So it's Sheeting with snow here AGAIN in the 'Land of Sog'.

Shaugs has an eye infection: I have a sore head; and Robs is stuck in the cabin with the two of us, contemplating whether or not braving Frostbite and Hypothermia is better than braving TWO males with MAN Symptoms...

As I write, Shaugs is NOW bitching cos he found a PEA in his Fish Pie lunch... and MOTHER has JUST TORN him a new one!  Happy Families!  So I needed to ask - at what age do I actually lose the will to live anymore??!

You see, the dilemma we are currently facing is, we have a Captain Pee Pee in the house - with a rather rampant fire hose - and NO it ain't me!

Now I don't ever remember being told REPEATEDLY not to whizz on the toilet seat; the walls or (on one rather rare occasion) the bathroom ceiling! I remember just getting on with the 'business at hand' and making sure the bathroom was clean for the next person...  BUT - you see, we are currently being baptised in little boy wee... and I'm ready to commit MOIDER...

It's not like he's following by example - I LIFT the toilet seat - put it down again and flush when finished, and - at one point after having the Laparotomy - even resorted to (SKANDAAL) piddling like a lady (oooo I'm a laydee) And that's when I truly discovered the wrath of Shaugs...

Silent midnight runs to the loo have been exchanged with SHRIEKS (akin to something at the Wailing wall in Jerusalem) - followed by rather potty mouthed language!

Yesterday in 'Costa (lotta money) Coffee'  He asked me to accompany him to the bathroom - and promptly anointed my shoes and jean pant with holy water!  The water might have been holy - but my mouth would've made a sailor blush!  

So how DO you get a five year old to 'aim for the water' and make as many bubbles as possible - and then clean up after himself??!  (WITHOUT scaring him for life and creating a 'problem')  I have taken him aside and had a good ol' father/son chat and we'll have to see how things 'pan out' - so to speak!

Me

-x-

QUESTIONS!!! Questions...

Ok - So one of my oldest (not in age - but in terms of HOW long we’ve known each other) friend's, has this HILARIOUS Blog called The Weaver’s Nest - (http://theweaversnest.typepad.com/the_weavers_nest/2009/01/index.html) and she started this WHOLE rumble of Asking me 5 Questions - that I have to answer - and then post on my Blog... so here goes:

Kirsty Weaver’s Questions For Ryan:

1.) You recently had an extended stay in an NHS hospital.

I have had TWO extended stays in DIFFERENT Hospitals in the past four months -  'Good Hope' (or NO HOPE - as some smartie pants people like to call it!) and The Stoke Royal Infirmary (about an hour and a half North of us)  Good Hope was fantastic while I was in the High Dependancy Unit.  But I began to despair in the Main Ward, when the demented old Bullet in the bed next to me kept getting outta bed and thinking that My bed was in fact his own personal bathroom en-suite.  I am scarred for life and now - and If I wake up with someone standing over me - I automatically think that they are trying to 'go potty' on my head! 

The Stoke Royal Infirmary has taken the cake though.  I was treated BETTER than when I was in High Care - and actually came home with delusions of grandeur... hehe - but one downside, the food was SHOCKING!  (This from a man who could keep NOTHING down!)  

He he Kirsty!  A Gentlemen NEVER TELLS - so here goes:

a.) How did you keep sane, 

I kept sane by plugging in my  iPhone: and trying to shut out what was going on around me and also to switching on my 'Binaural Beats' application.  They are a set of Audio 'beats' that are supposed to override the Brain's responses and retune the brain to a new way of thinking.  Don't know if it worked - but It Definitely helped when I was having 'a bloodbath hurricane pain day!'

b.) Did you fancy any of the nurses? (Although physio's are MUCH hotter than nurses, but I don't think any physios would have visited/treated you!)  (KIRSTY IS A PHYSIO FOR THOSE WHO HADN’T GUESSED.)

If you are partial to 40 something nurses with a penchant for calling you 'Dooks' and 'Petal' ('Ducks' and 'Petal' for our Non-English friends) - then NO!  I didn't fancy any of them - and NONE of them looked as good as Robs does in her little Anne Summers Nurse's Outfit... 

In fact some of those nurses were a bit downright scary some of 'em!  Wouldn't wanna run into any of them in a dark alley - although in hindsight they WOULD be able to re-suss you after raping and murdering you... 

2.) You have 1 child  are you  planning more? How many would you like, and what sex?

HEY!  You been reading my diary??!  Ummmmm... (okay - this is gonna set the cat among the pigeons!)  The short answer is YES!  I would love to have another wee Vine running around - funny thing that - Death and Hospital's spur us on to procreate - NO WONDER YOU HAVE 3 OF THE LITTLE ONES KIRSTY!!!  

I would just like one more little one - and Yes.  Sex would be good (anytime) thanx! (not that I ain't getting me sum - eish - you know how to make a keyboard blush Kirsty!) 

3.)What have you found more challenging: Being a husband, or being a father, and Why?

Being a husband has come relatively easy for me - for Robs being a husband has been harder... hehe  No seriously - Being a father is WAY more difficult!  You CONSTANTLY have a little sponge COPYING EVERYTHING that you say/do!  I haven't Battled with it - just found it HARDER than what I thought it may have been...  But I wouldn't change it for ANYTHING!

4.) If you could be any where else right now,

a.) Where would you be?

On a beach in Barbados - sunning it up and drinking 'umbrella' cocktails...  Bearing in mind the 'Siberian Cold Front' we have been warned about, arrived this morning and we woke to a brass monkey ringing our doorbell asking if we knew a good welder - and that white stuff called: SNOW!

b.) What would you be doing?

Do I have to paint a picture: Me; a Beach; a little bell to summon the waiter with the drinks; my ‘mankini’ and a bevy of Gorgeous... Robyn's!

5.)In Friends, Ross and Rachel had a list of celebs that they were allowed to sleep with if they met them. Who would be on your list? Who would be on Dans list?

Ummmm Well It would NEVER happen so ummmm... NOBODY - and I dunno who would be on Dan's - 'cos I haven't got a cooking clue who 'Dan' is... hehe

IF ANY OF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN ME INTERVIEWING THEM: Here are the rules:

 

1.) If you'd like to be interviewed, leave a comment saying ‘interview me’ and your email address, and I'll send you 5 questions

 

2.If you want to keep your email address private, email me your request to interview you. (Your email address)

 

3. I will email you five questions.

 

4. Answer the questions on your blog.

 

5. Post rules on your blog with an offer to interview anyone else who emails you wanting to be interviewed.

 

6. Try and personalise the questions to the particular blogger.

WHOAH THERE COW-PEOPLE!!! I'm NOT dead yet!

OAKEY COCKEY... So I'm getting a lot of rather worried emails from peeps who, very touchingly, are concerned for my well being. I certainly never meant to scare ANYONE with the chronicles of my life in blog-land! If I'd known this at the start - I wouldn't have even written about this wretched little nothing of a brain tumour - called 'Bill'...

I started writing about 'Bill more as a therapy for myself and to help ME understand what is going on... and also to keep concerned family and friends who were far away informed as to WHAT was happening! So before this blows COMPLETELY outta the water - I just want to set some minds at rest - before ya'll write me off!

The years of headaches and migraines I have endured, have more than likely been caused by 'Bill' - but one can't be too sure. Just to reassure you, the week that I have spent in Hospital has been PACKED with Intra Venus Infusions of 'Bill' busting meds - the steroids and DHE are designed to specifically reduce the size/swelling of 'Bill'. The nausea and diarrhea was a bit difficult to get used to as well as the cramps and bloating - but hey - we just kyk noord...

I also take heart that the Neuro (WHAT AN AMAZING GUY!!! - TOTALLY SENT BY GOD!!!) is fully calm and collected about the whole palaver. He's 'been there - done that' and has the t-shirt and the stretch marks to prove it!

I am scheduled for a follow up in about 4 weeks - and they will reassess whether or not the current treatment has been successful and what way forward we go from here.

It really touches me that there are people standing and agreeing in prayer with us that everything is going to come right in JESUS NAME!!! You and I both know there is no distance in prayer - and that is the most important thing!

I have learnt some very valuable lessons in the past couple of months: and the words of another very brave young lady called 'Heather' - whose Blog I was introduced to, pretty much sums up best EXACTLY how I am feeling right now.

So I'm gonna take what she said and expand a little on it - I hope you don't mind Heather!

What have I learned?

It isn’t about 'Bill'. It isn’t about what 'Bill' has the ability to do to MY body, it isn’t about the treatments or the part of us it tries to take away; its about the journey.

Its about rediscovering the parts of yourself that you never ever knew or dreamed existed, and giving them room to grow and room to take flight. Its about seeing life through other people's eyes and being better because of it, being more whole and more alive despite it.

Its about living.

Sure there are going to be days that I feel like a Pantechnicon truck just bulldozed over me. There are going to be days when I wake up after a rough night and a bad bought of 'pain' and I think “Who is that person, and where did he come from!?” But there are going to be pain free days where I'm fully alive and energized too! And those are the days I'm gonna seize with both hands and live to the full, its part of 'the journey'. Its a part of life. But its not the only part. Its not the defining part.

The defining part is: I am still a husband. I am still a father. I am still a son. I am still a son of the Most High King of Kings. I am still the same Ryan that I was before I found out about 'Bill'.

Just a little more - NO - alot more mature and a heck of alot less naive. I still have the same heart, the same dreams, the same desires. I am still me. The migraine headaches and 'Bill' can NEVER take that away.

It has only made me stronger.

Me

-x-

UPDATED CAT Scan

'TOOMA Humour'