Taxation...

So we've been doing the whole 'Tooth Fairy' thing for a while now, after Shaugs lost his first tooth about a year ago. At the time he was paid the princely sum of £25. (Yes People... I know I set myself up for a HUGE ass whipping NOW, but I didn't consider all of that at the time!!!)

OBVIOUSLY, we didn't give him the FULL £25, that was divided up between four other people: £5 from Robs and I; £5 from his Nanna; £5 from his beloved Poppa; and £10 from Nanna and Poppa's WRETCHED mates who we shall call 'Barbie and Ken'. I was DEAD SET against it at first, as I told them all, that as soon as the crafty wee critter cottoned on to the rather lucrative enterprise of mining his golden gnashers, all HELL would break loose!

Well that didn't take too long to happen now did it??! Of course not! So far, señor Onion has 'mined' FOUR of the dainty cash cows, and last night he mined his fifth... Now what we DID do, to our credit, was lower the amount given for this precious resource in increments - quite LARGE increments - until we got down to an OUTLANDISH £5 for the last one...

So this morning my mini Donald Trump squeezed his peepers open before the sparrows had even farted, and what was the first thing he did?! Yup! You guessed it: He made straight for the Tooth Fairy's Pillow, to withdraw the filthy lucre that had magically found it's way into his bedroom; only to discover, that the by now bankrupt Tinkerbell had '...only left four bloomin' Pounds Dad!'

To which I deftly replied: 'Yes boy, I know... Agnes asked me to tell you that she has deducted a pound for taxes...'

We've Bin 'Elfed'

We'd Like to wish ya'll a Merry Crimbo and a Happy New Year - Fo' Shizzle...

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/vaV1pkwJT0Hopsrl

Just keep on treading water...

Guys, I'm sorry if I have been remiss in keeping you all up to date. The truth is, that I have been HORRIFICALLY ill the past week with the combined effects of the chemo and the migraines, I don't think that I have had a single clear day - bar last week Wednesday, where we took FULL advantage of the pain free few hours I had!

We shot off to IKEA, to sample the Svvveeeeedish delights of home decorating, and had a ball wandering around checking out the various displays! We even discovered a 'Purple Headed People Grinch' - resplendent with a Santa hat, in the restaurant! Shaugs was most amused... Oh the wonders of living in a first world country!

I promise you I will write a decent post soon. It is all I can do right now to '...just keep on treading water'...

Ryan

-x-

Merry Christmas - Tree Decorators!

Just finished decorating our tree tonight. Shaugs was BESIDE himself with excitement! Couldn't get a snap with the three of us - cos there was no-one to take the picture. Will update you all soon with some more news.

Black Thursday

So I know that I am sometimes known for my 'chipper nature' and upbeat outlook towards life. But if I am honest - I am REALLY having a shitty time this last week or so.

To say that this has been a year from hell would be an understatement - and I will not be looking back on the last TWO years very happily at all. Sure there have been the times that I have laughed so hard my stomach has hurt; and the VALUABLE family times that I have shared with my loved ones - but then there has been a side of me, few have seen. A side, filled with black moods, one of which I find myself in today And if I am honest, it is this side of me that I am deeply ashamed of.

I have tried to remain, for the large part, upbeat and happy. I have tried to hide emotion behind humor. Sometimes I have succeeded - but today... Well lets just say that today, it has collided on the highway of life SPECTACULARLY! And the aftermath - it ain't pretty.

But I vowed when I started this blog; that no matter how hard, no matter how un-pretty; I would write about ALL aspects of this tumor and that I would write about HOW I was feeling with honesty.

So here I am. Stark Bollock Naked!

I guess when I was told that the Bilateral Nerve Blocks that I was going to be having on the 30th of November, were expected to alleviate a large chunk of the incessant driving pain that I feel EVERY second of EVERY minute of EVERY hour of... (you get the message) ... I never expected to find myself in such a blind rage just 36 VERY short hours after they had performed the procedure!

The reason for my unbridled anger and 'rage'? I have experienced NO change to the levels of pain thus far. The only relief I had was a brief flash in the pan. I don't have many answers at all. All I know is I am angry. I am angry at the doctors; I am angry at life; I am angry at me.

Not only am I angry - I am broken. I am broken and crying. You can pick yourself up, when you know that there is something you can hope for. But when you reach your 'hour of hope' - and there are no answers what do you do then?

Let's just say, my black mood reached critical mass today. I was sat in Shaugie's Christmas Play at 14h00 this afternoon in some of the worst pain I think I have ever experienced. Just 20 mins before curtain up; I was locked in the bathroom hurling my guts out from the combined effect of the chemo and the pain. But I SO did not want to disappoint that little boy and let him down.

And so - I dragged my sorry ass out into the hall - found a seat one row from the front; and waited. Thinking I was going to pass out at any point - not knowing how I was going to get through the next minute - let alone the next hour.

The hall door opened. In marched the kids. I locked eyes with Shaugs and I KNEW IMMEDIATELY from the concern on his face - that HE knew I was not well. And that was where I failed him.

You just have to look at that little face and etched all over it is the wisdom of a very old little boy. It was at the moment, our eyes locked together and did not split for a second of the 45 mins or so that the play lasted, that I felt I had failed my son.

To say my heart was in pieces is an understatement. He mouthed the words: "I Love You." and "Are you okay?" and it was all I could do to just nod and smile. It was in that moment I felt I had betrayed him - taken his 'moment in the light' away. Here he was singing his little heart out for me - SO PROUD of what he and his class had achieved - and ALL he could concentrate on, was me - and FECKING 'BILL' - screwing it all up for him!

I managed to contain my emotions until I put him to bed tonight - but my Sweet Lord - I just KNOW I will not sleep tonight. How can I keep putting my family through this.

How long can this go on for?

Ry

-x-

Forget Me Not

I've been thinking about a lotta things lately - YES PEEPS - I DO THINK SOMETIMES! And I originally started this blog to help me understand what was happening to me because of what 'Bill' the brain tumour had done, and was doing to me.

I have recently had a lot of questions about 'Bill' and I realised that although I have written (sometimes quite technically) about 'Bill' - I have never really written about how we discovered 'Bill'. Well that was a very LONG and very painful journey, that I don't really want to go into GREAT detail right now. So let's just say for the sake of brevity, that it was quite by accident - after an artery burst, while I was in hospital in October 2008, and the doctors called for MRI and CAT scans.

A friend of mine asked me the other day, about 'Bill' and the symptoms that I experienced, that led to the discovery of said wee beastie... My mom first recalled me having 'episodes' where I would become 'blank' and 'stare-y' at around the age of 3. Quite a few of the 'experts' have questioned this; but I trust my mum and I think a mother does know best, what is happening to her child!

I still do have those episodes, where I go 'blank and stare-y'. This is immediately followed by what is known as 'a global amnesia episode'. I do not lose consciousness AT ALL i.e. I DON'T blackout - but I do not know who I am; where I am; or who anybody is; for anywhere from three quarters of an hour to an hour long.

People ask what this is like... It is FECKING FRIGHTENING to say the least. I don't forget how to 'do things'; like drive a car for example - but for that hour or so; I cannot recognise people or places and have to be 'talked down' from a massive panic attack.

There have been times where I have been on my own; and I have just stopped what I was doing; like delivering mail (when I worked as a postman); and sat down; (cried a little - okay, cried a lot!) and waited until I started to remember something. When the memories come back - they come back in short bursts; and that can be equally frustrating, as you are given random parts of your life back; some that don't even relate to the situation you are in!

My symptoms have been quite extreme, to say the least, with extremely long episodes of headache/migraine/pain before the blackout; followed by a STONKER of a migraine immediately after; where I basically collapse on the bed and sleep for the better part of the day. The weird thing is, for that brief hour where I am experiencing the blackout; I am COMPLETELY pain free! As the memories come back, so does the pain.

I was also asked if my school work was ever affected and I definitely maintain that it did affect my school work. I seem to recall a few episodes where I went blank and stare-y in class - but in those days the teachers just used to put that down to Ryan 'zoning out' and 'being away with the fairies'. When it came to exams and exam time; I found that I had to work my ass off, to try and catch up on things that I didn't ever remember learning in class - and I had to effectively 're-teach' myself! (Quite scary!) And there were times that the old excuse 'I forgot to do my homework' was a GENUINE reason! LoL!

For me, it was something that I had kind of HAD to get used to from a very young age. But I think I only realised just how serious the episodes were, after we had Shaughan. There were times where I had 'a blackout', but I was FORTUNATELY with Robs; so it was alright. One incident I can remember vividly though, I was on my own with Shaugs.

I was busy driving him to nursery one morning and just looked up into the rear view mirror, to discover a toddler; in a kiddies seat; in the back of the car! I just about had a heart attack on the spot! I thought I had stolen someones car with their child in the back - after all; that was the only 'logical' explanation!

Fortunately we were on a quiet country road; and I had the presence of mind to pull over somewhere quiet; check the wallet and mobile phone I found in the consol; look up the most dialled number on the phone (which happened to be 'Beany Poo') took a flying risk and called the number! When Robs answered the phone, she realised what was happening through the tone in my voice and she talked me down; got me to take out the Sat Nav; and basically talked me back in!

Shaughan was aware of what was happening but he was quite relaxed. At one point, he broke my heart into sixty million pieces, when he said: 'Don't worry daddy - I know you can't remember; but I'll remember things for you. Your name is Ryan'. We have never hidden what is happening with me, from him - but we do guard WHAT we tell him. He is after all a child, and I want him to have as 'normal' an upbringing as possible.

Robs has dealt with it all in her own way. She has been an absolute TOWER of strength, never wavering, and ALWAYS there for me and for Shaugs. I sometimes feel incredibly guilty that she has to deal with all of this, while trying to raise a family - but she is a real trooper and has never complained.

It was after that particular episode with Shaugs, that we started seriously pushing my old neurologist to come up with answers. He was extremely dismissive at first and wouldn't even entertain us (One time he refused to even attend our scheduled appointment!) It was after that, that we DEMANDED a new neurologist, and about the same time, that the artery burst, while I was in hospital. I think the doctors realised that they were possibly dealing with something quite serious and so we were referred to my current Neurosurgeon.

So that people is the 'brief' story of 'Bill' so far. I am always open to more questions - so don't be shy to ask - I will always answer you with pleasure. For now - I gotta go have a small sleep - as I am quite knackered after blogging. I never realised just how much, emotionally, it would take out of me to write about 'Bill'. But I'm glad that I did!

Ciao

-x-

Boo! And you thought I slunk off Quietly...

Well, I am off to the neurosurgeon on Monday for, what I hope is, my final set of nerve blocks. My neuro told me a year ago, that he likes to perform the nerve blocks three times before severing the occipital nerve entirely. This is so that the patient (me) can gauge how they can manage with a numb skull...

Let me just say, I think I will manage quite fine thank you very much! Anything is better than feeling like 'Jason' from 'Friday the 13th' has been set loose on your brain with a blunt butter knife and 15 litres of pure rubbing alcohol!

I am now 4 weeks in to my Chemo, and nausea and tiredness seem to be the two overriding factors that I feel. Some days, more than most, the bone numbing exhaustion really smacks me from behind. At first I tried fighting it, but lately I just don't have the energy! LoL.

In the midst of all of this tiredness and nausea, it would appear, that I have managed to glean ONE brand new follower! Woo Hoooo! Would the room please be upstanding for the lovely Simply-Mel. Simply-Mel has been 'giving me gears' the last few days, because I hadn't had the energy, or the inclination, to post of late! So I dragged my bone tired, retching self off, to park in front of the pompcuter and do a wee bit of blogging. LoL. I hope you are happy Mel! (tee hee)

You probably all remember my friend Kirsty - Well she has apparently tagged me and I have to respond, by answering a few questions. As usual, our little Taliban-Tinkerbell doesn't care about rules, and so I will be playing by her rules today!

Kirsty's way is as follows:

"The next 6 things you read are things you probably/possibly never knew about me. They may be fact or fiction... it's up to you to decide which you think is real or fake. They may also ALL be real, or all be fake!! If you partake in the guessing game, I will tell you which are correct!"

Here goes:

1.) Cast your mind back to a different time, a time when we were all young and innocent. That time was 1981. May of 1981 to be precise, and I had just moved to South Africa. Kirsty just happened to be in the same school (Bryandale Primary) and the same class - and even remained in my class, right up to Matric!

(see photographic exhibit one)

(I am 1st on the left; second row down. Kirsty is 2nd on the left third row down)

Fast forward a few decades, and I rediscovered that wee imp, through the wonders of Vleis Broek; Face Bike; Farce Book or whatever else you want to call it! So Fact (or Fiction) 1: is that I have known Kirsty 27 years. O.M.G.!!! I just felt myself age like Rumpelstiltskin! TWENTY SEVEN YEARS! Kirsty is my 'Picture of Dorian Grey'... If I happen to clap eyes on her visage, I shall instantly wither and age!

2.) Despite my dashing good looks and fabulous personality - I have only ever had 3 serious girlfriends, and I have been engaged twice. (Phew - Thank You Jesus, that I dodged the first bullet!) Not to speak ill of the Ex, but she was a psycho bunny on steroids!

3.) I am DESPERATELY broody, and would have another wee nipper snapping at Bean's heels in a heartbeat! I have been like this for the last 18 months, and I think Shaugs would benefit HUGELY from a baby brother or sister. The one who is putting the brakes on BEEG time is the other party, who needs to carry our new addition for 9 very short months! I am working on Bean though, so watch this space...

4.)Having just wittered on about WANTING another baby, I genuinely sometimes feel like such a failure as a dad. I am getting better with regard to showing Shaugs more patience but I guess every one of us, at some time, feel a failure.

5.) I am actually quite scared by what the future holds. Full Stop. I really do sometimes wonder what lies just ahead, to the point of worrying about it. I dislike things that I cannot control INTENSELY! Hence you could say I am a bit of a control freak...

6.) I wish my Nanna, who we nicknamed Floss, had lived a few more years, so that Bean and Shaugs could have met her. Floss was strong; feisty; such a larger than life personality, and HUGELY funny! She was a scream! there wasn't a day; hour or minute that Floss didn't see the funnier side of life - and let everybody else know it too! Driving through the countryside the one day, she turned to my mum (who by this stage was about 50 odd) and said: "I joined the circus when I was younger... But gave it all up for you..." When my mum asked her incredulously WHAT she had done in the circus, without missing a beat she replied in her broad Scottish accent: "I walked that high wire thingy, in a skimpy wee bikini..."

OK - Now this is the bit where I was supposed to do the tagging. I don't have any 'usual suspects' But if you wanna jot down your answers on a postcard, I would gladly read them and reply to you!