Forget Me Not

I've been thinking about a lotta things lately - YES PEEPS - I DO THINK SOMETIMES! And I originally started this blog to help me understand what was happening to me because of what 'Bill' the brain tumour had done, and was doing to me.

I have recently had a lot of questions about 'Bill' and I realised that although I have written (sometimes quite technically) about 'Bill' - I have never really written about how we discovered 'Bill'. Well that was a very LONG and very painful journey, that I don't really want to go into GREAT detail right now. So let's just say for the sake of brevity, that it was quite by accident - after an artery burst, while I was in hospital in October 2008, and the doctors called for MRI and CAT scans.

A friend of mine asked me the other day, about 'Bill' and the symptoms that I experienced, that led to the discovery of said wee beastie... My mom first recalled me having 'episodes' where I would become 'blank' and 'stare-y' at around the age of 3. Quite a few of the 'experts' have questioned this; but I trust my mum and I think a mother does know best, what is happening to her child!

I still do have those episodes, where I go 'blank and stare-y'. This is immediately followed by what is known as 'a global amnesia episode'. I do not lose consciousness AT ALL i.e. I DON'T blackout - but I do not know who I am; where I am; or who anybody is; for anywhere from three quarters of an hour to an hour long.

People ask what this is like... It is FECKING FRIGHTENING to say the least. I don't forget how to 'do things'; like drive a car for example - but for that hour or so; I cannot recognise people or places and have to be 'talked down' from a massive panic attack.

There have been times where I have been on my own; and I have just stopped what I was doing; like delivering mail (when I worked as a postman); and sat down; (cried a little - okay, cried a lot!) and waited until I started to remember something. When the memories come back - they come back in short bursts; and that can be equally frustrating, as you are given random parts of your life back; some that don't even relate to the situation you are in!

My symptoms have been quite extreme, to say the least, with extremely long episodes of headache/migraine/pain before the blackout; followed by a STONKER of a migraine immediately after; where I basically collapse on the bed and sleep for the better part of the day. The weird thing is, for that brief hour where I am experiencing the blackout; I am COMPLETELY pain free! As the memories come back, so does the pain.

I was also asked if my school work was ever affected and I definitely maintain that it did affect my school work. I seem to recall a few episodes where I went blank and stare-y in class - but in those days the teachers just used to put that down to Ryan 'zoning out' and 'being away with the fairies'. When it came to exams and exam time; I found that I had to work my ass off, to try and catch up on things that I didn't ever remember learning in class - and I had to effectively 're-teach' myself! (Quite scary!) And there were times that the old excuse 'I forgot to do my homework' was a GENUINE reason! LoL!

For me, it was something that I had kind of HAD to get used to from a very young age. But I think I only realised just how serious the episodes were, after we had Shaughan. There were times where I had 'a blackout', but I was FORTUNATELY with Robs; so it was alright. One incident I can remember vividly though, I was on my own with Shaugs.

I was busy driving him to nursery one morning and just looked up into the rear view mirror, to discover a toddler; in a kiddies seat; in the back of the car! I just about had a heart attack on the spot! I thought I had stolen someones car with their child in the back - after all; that was the only 'logical' explanation!

Fortunately we were on a quiet country road; and I had the presence of mind to pull over somewhere quiet; check the wallet and mobile phone I found in the consol; look up the most dialled number on the phone (which happened to be 'Beany Poo') took a flying risk and called the number! When Robs answered the phone, she realised what was happening through the tone in my voice and she talked me down; got me to take out the Sat Nav; and basically talked me back in!

Shaughan was aware of what was happening but he was quite relaxed. At one point, he broke my heart into sixty million pieces, when he said: 'Don't worry daddy - I know you can't remember; but I'll remember things for you. Your name is Ryan'. We have never hidden what is happening with me, from him - but we do guard WHAT we tell him. He is after all a child, and I want him to have as 'normal' an upbringing as possible.

Robs has dealt with it all in her own way. She has been an absolute TOWER of strength, never wavering, and ALWAYS there for me and for Shaugs. I sometimes feel incredibly guilty that she has to deal with all of this, while trying to raise a family - but she is a real trooper and has never complained.

It was after that particular episode with Shaugs, that we started seriously pushing my old neurologist to come up with answers. He was extremely dismissive at first and wouldn't even entertain us (One time he refused to even attend our scheduled appointment!) It was after that, that we DEMANDED a new neurologist, and about the same time, that the artery burst, while I was in hospital. I think the doctors realised that they were possibly dealing with something quite serious and so we were referred to my current Neurosurgeon.

So that people is the 'brief' story of 'Bill' so far. I am always open to more questions - so don't be shy to ask - I will always answer you with pleasure. For now - I gotta go have a small sleep - as I am quite knackered after blogging. I never realised just how much, emotionally, it would take out of me to write about 'Bill'. But I'm glad that I did!

Ciao

-x-

Boo! And you thought I slunk off Quietly...

Well, I am off to the neurosurgeon on Monday for, what I hope is, my final set of nerve blocks. My neuro told me a year ago, that he likes to perform the nerve blocks three times before severing the occipital nerve entirely. This is so that the patient (me) can gauge how they can manage with a numb skull...

Let me just say, I think I will manage quite fine thank you very much! Anything is better than feeling like 'Jason' from 'Friday the 13th' has been set loose on your brain with a blunt butter knife and 15 litres of pure rubbing alcohol!

I am now 4 weeks in to my Chemo, and nausea and tiredness seem to be the two overriding factors that I feel. Some days, more than most, the bone numbing exhaustion really smacks me from behind. At first I tried fighting it, but lately I just don't have the energy! LoL.

In the midst of all of this tiredness and nausea, it would appear, that I have managed to glean ONE brand new follower! Woo Hoooo! Would the room please be upstanding for the lovely Simply-Mel. Simply-Mel has been 'giving me gears' the last few days, because I hadn't had the energy, or the inclination, to post of late! So I dragged my bone tired, retching self off, to park in front of the pompcuter and do a wee bit of blogging. LoL. I hope you are happy Mel! (tee hee)

You probably all remember my friend Kirsty - Well she has apparently tagged me and I have to respond, by answering a few questions. As usual, our little Taliban-Tinkerbell doesn't care about rules, and so I will be playing by her rules today!

Kirsty's way is as follows:

"The next 6 things you read are things you probably/possibly never knew about me. They may be fact or fiction... it's up to you to decide which you think is real or fake. They may also ALL be real, or all be fake!! If you partake in the guessing game, I will tell you which are correct!"

Here goes:

1.) Cast your mind back to a different time, a time when we were all young and innocent. That time was 1981. May of 1981 to be precise, and I had just moved to South Africa. Kirsty just happened to be in the same school (Bryandale Primary) and the same class - and even remained in my class, right up to Matric!

(see photographic exhibit one)

(I am 1st on the left; second row down. Kirsty is 2nd on the left third row down)

Fast forward a few decades, and I rediscovered that wee imp, through the wonders of Vleis Broek; Face Bike; Farce Book or whatever else you want to call it! So Fact (or Fiction) 1: is that I have known Kirsty 27 years. O.M.G.!!! I just felt myself age like Rumpelstiltskin! TWENTY SEVEN YEARS! Kirsty is my 'Picture of Dorian Grey'... If I happen to clap eyes on her visage, I shall instantly wither and age!

2.) Despite my dashing good looks and fabulous personality - I have only ever had 3 serious girlfriends, and I have been engaged twice. (Phew - Thank You Jesus, that I dodged the first bullet!) Not to speak ill of the Ex, but she was a psycho bunny on steroids!

3.) I am DESPERATELY broody, and would have another wee nipper snapping at Bean's heels in a heartbeat! I have been like this for the last 18 months, and I think Shaugs would benefit HUGELY from a baby brother or sister. The one who is putting the brakes on BEEG time is the other party, who needs to carry our new addition for 9 very short months! I am working on Bean though, so watch this space...

4.)Having just wittered on about WANTING another baby, I genuinely sometimes feel like such a failure as a dad. I am getting better with regard to showing Shaugs more patience but I guess every one of us, at some time, feel a failure.

5.) I am actually quite scared by what the future holds. Full Stop. I really do sometimes wonder what lies just ahead, to the point of worrying about it. I dislike things that I cannot control INTENSELY! Hence you could say I am a bit of a control freak...

6.) I wish my Nanna, who we nicknamed Floss, had lived a few more years, so that Bean and Shaugs could have met her. Floss was strong; feisty; such a larger than life personality, and HUGELY funny! She was a scream! there wasn't a day; hour or minute that Floss didn't see the funnier side of life - and let everybody else know it too! Driving through the countryside the one day, she turned to my mum (who by this stage was about 50 odd) and said: "I joined the circus when I was younger... But gave it all up for you..." When my mum asked her incredulously WHAT she had done in the circus, without missing a beat she replied in her broad Scottish accent: "I walked that high wire thingy, in a skimpy wee bikini..."

OK - Now this is the bit where I was supposed to do the tagging. I don't have any 'usual suspects' But if you wanna jot down your answers on a postcard, I would gladly read them and reply to you!

Ryan's Guide to Lady Things #2... 'Special Grumpy Lady Time'

Here is some more of my wisdom about those bizarre things about women that us blokes don't know, are never told and yet are expected to have explicit knowledge of when tested.

This time...

'Special Grumpy Lady Time'

SGLT is some sort of made-up disease that girls catch on a monthly basis, and despite this similarity to man-flu, the similarities end there.

The disease itself seems to occur on a regular basis, usually following about a week of pleasant, civilised behaviour. The various behaviour patterns usually follow this pattern.
Week 1. Pleasant, civilised behaviour. The lady will possibly do the washing up, be naughty in bed, and let you watch an episode of Thundercats without complaining.
Week 2. Grumpy bitch
Week 3. Grumpy, uncomfortable bitch
Week 4. Grumpy, fragile bitch.
This 'cycle' then repeats.

During week 3, so the adverts tell me, some kind of blue liquid is emitted, and this must be absorbed in a number of ways.
1. A little sponge on a string. From what i gather these appear to be bullet shaped, and come with some sort of insertion device, called an 'applicator'. This may or may not be spring-loaded.
2. Things with wings. These are sponges that sellotape onto a girl's pants. They do not allow girls to be able to fly. This is more due to poor piloting skills, and lack of knowledge of aerodynamics and such.
Modern advancements in Things with Wings include the ability to play pinball with your ladybits, something to do with pearls and 1GB mp3 player.

There are several cures for this disease
1. Avoid ladies during weeks 2-4. This is usually impossible, as ladies deliberately catch SGLT at different times, so men can never be happy.
2. Old age. After about 50 years, the lady's body decides we've suffered enough, and gives us men a 'pause' from grumpyness. By this time though we've usually had enough and retired to our shed.
3. Pregnancy. This is actually only a cure for blue liquid, with the drawback of completely removing week 1 from the cycle. Also, babies are a result of this.

Anyway, there's the sum total of all my SGLT knowledge. Enjoy.

Ryan's Guide To Lady Things... Make Up

Hello there, just thought i'd say hi and share my wisdom and research with you.
Today i has been researching the lady-thing known as make up.

HISTORY
Make-up was invented (or 'made up' chortle) by probably a frenchman, in an effort to make some ugly girl look humpable, in about the year 1532ish. For the sake of argument, let's call him French Bob.
Using various ingredients gathered from his 16th century inventor's desk (tipp-ex, red wine, weetabix) he no doubt made a concoction so wonderful that life without painted-up lady-faces would never be heard of again.

TYPES OF MAKE-UP
1. Eye make-up
2. Face make-up
That is all the types of make-up, but for the sake of you men who sit wobbling in the corner every time you stray away from the novelty gift section of Boots, i shall go into greater detail...

1. EYE MAKE-UP
There are three sub-categories of eye make-up...
a. Mascara
This is some kind of eyelash paint, held on some kind of inverted brush pen thing. This allows girls to have longer eyelashes, useful for fighting wasps.
There are two fun things about mascara, firstly that if (and possibly when) you make a girl cry, it draws on magical manga cry-lines down their face. Secondly, if they forget to clean it off before bed, it can lead to a girl's eyelashes sticking together, thus giving them a unique jail-like experience.
b. Eye-liner
Eye-liner is like a pencil to make girl's eyes look similar to a cartoon character, or perhaps a panda. The pencil itself is useless as an actual writing implement, going all squishy at the first sign of pressure, causing arguments, even though it's her fault that she tidied up all the pens and left her eye-liner on the top of the fridge.
There is a male equivalent of eye-liner, hilariously called 'guy-liner'. This is only used by 'emo' boys (emo meaning 'pale fan of vampire-themed television') or droogs from a clockwork orange.
c. Eye-Shadow
This is a mysterious powder (more on them below) that girls apply to their upper eyelids. Because blue eyelids are a sign of healthiness.

2. FACE MAKE-UP
There's no real need to sub-categorise face make-up, as it only really consists of powders that stick to a lady's face, covering up their lumpy face skin, and in the case of blusher, making them look out of breath, like they've been on a run or something. Apparently there is some sort of difference between concealer and foundation but I think this is just some sort of marketing scam to make ladies fork out £40 a go for the smallest bottle of brownish liquid in the world.

3. MOUTH MAKE-UP
Lip-liner, Lip-gloss, Lip-stick. These three substances exist to do one thing, and one thing only - to stain men. Apparently by making their lips look more red and pronounced, this makes girls appear more eager to have sex. I find taking your top off works just as well. And is also a lot cheaper...

Anyway, that is my useful guide to all things womanly and make-uppish. I hope you have found it more useful than anything else ever. Which quite clearly it is.