Taxation...

So we've been doing the whole 'Tooth Fairy' thing for a while now, after Shaugs lost his first tooth about a year ago. At the time he was paid the princely sum of £25. (Yes People... I know I set myself up for a HUGE ass whipping NOW, but I didn't consider all of that at the time!!!)

OBVIOUSLY, we didn't give him the FULL £25, that was divided up between four other people: £5 from Robs and I; £5 from his Nanna; £5 from his beloved Poppa; and £10 from Nanna and Poppa's WRETCHED mates who we shall call 'Barbie and Ken'. I was DEAD SET against it at first, as I told them all, that as soon as the crafty wee critter cottoned on to the rather lucrative enterprise of mining his golden gnashers, all HELL would break loose!

Well that didn't take too long to happen now did it??! Of course not! So far, señor Onion has 'mined' FOUR of the dainty cash cows, and last night he mined his fifth... Now what we DID do, to our credit, was lower the amount given for this precious resource in increments - quite LARGE increments - until we got down to an OUTLANDISH £5 for the last one...

So this morning my mini Donald Trump squeezed his peepers open before the sparrows had even farted, and what was the first thing he did?! Yup! You guessed it: He made straight for the Tooth Fairy's Pillow, to withdraw the filthy lucre that had magically found it's way into his bedroom; only to discover, that the by now bankrupt Tinkerbell had '...only left four bloomin' Pounds Dad!'

To which I deftly replied: 'Yes boy, I know... Agnes asked me to tell you that she has deducted a pound for taxes...'

We've Bin 'Elfed'

We'd Like to wish ya'll a Merry Crimbo and a Happy New Year - Fo' Shizzle...

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/vaV1pkwJT0Hopsrl

Just keep on treading water...

Guys, I'm sorry if I have been remiss in keeping you all up to date. The truth is, that I have been HORRIFICALLY ill the past week with the combined effects of the chemo and the migraines, I don't think that I have had a single clear day - bar last week Wednesday, where we took FULL advantage of the pain free few hours I had!

We shot off to IKEA, to sample the Svvveeeeedish delights of home decorating, and had a ball wandering around checking out the various displays! We even discovered a 'Purple Headed People Grinch' - resplendent with a Santa hat, in the restaurant! Shaugs was most amused... Oh the wonders of living in a first world country!

I promise you I will write a decent post soon. It is all I can do right now to '...just keep on treading water'...

Ryan

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Merry Christmas - Tree Decorators!

Just finished decorating our tree tonight. Shaugs was BESIDE himself with excitement! Couldn't get a snap with the three of us - cos there was no-one to take the picture. Will update you all soon with some more news.

Black Thursday

So I know that I am sometimes known for my 'chipper nature' and upbeat outlook towards life. But if I am honest - I am REALLY having a shitty time this last week or so.

To say that this has been a year from hell would be an understatement - and I will not be looking back on the last TWO years very happily at all. Sure there have been the times that I have laughed so hard my stomach has hurt; and the VALUABLE family times that I have shared with my loved ones - but then there has been a side of me, few have seen. A side, filled with black moods, one of which I find myself in today And if I am honest, it is this side of me that I am deeply ashamed of.

I have tried to remain, for the large part, upbeat and happy. I have tried to hide emotion behind humor. Sometimes I have succeeded - but today... Well lets just say that today, it has collided on the highway of life SPECTACULARLY! And the aftermath - it ain't pretty.

But I vowed when I started this blog; that no matter how hard, no matter how un-pretty; I would write about ALL aspects of this tumor and that I would write about HOW I was feeling with honesty.

So here I am. Stark Bollock Naked!

I guess when I was told that the Bilateral Nerve Blocks that I was going to be having on the 30th of November, were expected to alleviate a large chunk of the incessant driving pain that I feel EVERY second of EVERY minute of EVERY hour of... (you get the message) ... I never expected to find myself in such a blind rage just 36 VERY short hours after they had performed the procedure!

The reason for my unbridled anger and 'rage'? I have experienced NO change to the levels of pain thus far. The only relief I had was a brief flash in the pan. I don't have many answers at all. All I know is I am angry. I am angry at the doctors; I am angry at life; I am angry at me.

Not only am I angry - I am broken. I am broken and crying. You can pick yourself up, when you know that there is something you can hope for. But when you reach your 'hour of hope' - and there are no answers what do you do then?

Let's just say, my black mood reached critical mass today. I was sat in Shaugie's Christmas Play at 14h00 this afternoon in some of the worst pain I think I have ever experienced. Just 20 mins before curtain up; I was locked in the bathroom hurling my guts out from the combined effect of the chemo and the pain. But I SO did not want to disappoint that little boy and let him down.

And so - I dragged my sorry ass out into the hall - found a seat one row from the front; and waited. Thinking I was going to pass out at any point - not knowing how I was going to get through the next minute - let alone the next hour.

The hall door opened. In marched the kids. I locked eyes with Shaugs and I KNEW IMMEDIATELY from the concern on his face - that HE knew I was not well. And that was where I failed him.

You just have to look at that little face and etched all over it is the wisdom of a very old little boy. It was at the moment, our eyes locked together and did not split for a second of the 45 mins or so that the play lasted, that I felt I had failed my son.

To say my heart was in pieces is an understatement. He mouthed the words: "I Love You." and "Are you okay?" and it was all I could do to just nod and smile. It was in that moment I felt I had betrayed him - taken his 'moment in the light' away. Here he was singing his little heart out for me - SO PROUD of what he and his class had achieved - and ALL he could concentrate on, was me - and FECKING 'BILL' - screwing it all up for him!

I managed to contain my emotions until I put him to bed tonight - but my Sweet Lord - I just KNOW I will not sleep tonight. How can I keep putting my family through this.

How long can this go on for?

Ry

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